I’ve been holding my breath for what feels like an eternity, waiting for a kind of happiness to come into my life that I’m not sure will ever get here. I know that this emotion is fleeting; I know that joy is the answer. And yet I still can’t help myself for wanting to chase it. Much like a moth to a flame, I continue to fry myself. I continue to flying too close to the light, just like Icarus did with those damn wings, and I keep falling. I keep failing. Somehow throughout it all, I keep flying.
I often wonder why the “good” emotions feel so fleeting, while the “bad” emotions feel so omnipresent. A lifetime of having to be hyperaware of everything around you combined with that all too familiar feeling of never being “good enough” will do that to a person. Society’s constant criticism of the path I have chosen to take doesn’t exactly make things easier. It’s the craving of softness while still needing to protect oneself with a hard exterior. There is a balance to that, one I’m still struggling to find within myself.
As a child I found happiness at the ballet barre, until one day I didn’t anymore. These days I am finding happiness at the stripper pole, and I know that one day I will have to let that one go too. For now I’m going to keep doing the only thing that I know how to do. I’m going to keep dancing, keep breathing, and keep hoping that I’ll find what it is I’m looking for.
Mad love, Jenna
