I don’t want to be one of those people who are on their deathbeds filled with a bunch of regrets about the things they never did, the things they never said. I want to be able to say that at least I tried. I may have fucked it up a few times, which I am sure I will continue to do from time to time, but at least I gave it all I had. The people who truly love me will forgive my minor discretions, my ignorance, my misunderstanding of the situation. Won’t they?
Deep down we all fear the same basic things: of not belonging, of not feeling seen, of not being wanted, of being discarded. I don’t ever want to be someone’s afterthought. And yet time and time again I keep finding myself crying into the pages of my journal having those same feeling I had when I was a child – the ones that told me I wasn’t good enough, the ones that told me I needed to try harder, the ones that told me I was never going to make it happen, that I was never going to make my dreams come true.
Our feelings can keep us stuck sometimes. We get tunnel vision. We get so wrapped up in the emotion that we forget to look for the message its trying to tell us. The truth of it all is that we are more capable than we are led to believe. We are stronger. We are wiser. We matter. It doesn’t look the same for everybody. I know hanging upside down from a metal pole sounds bat shit crazy to some. I don’t know. I kind of like it. It kind of makes me feel like a badass.
This was a tricky move for me, the Crossed Ankle Layback. It was the moment I came tumbling down, my head slamming into the floor, when I figured out what I had been doing wrong here. Years of training in classical ballet taught me to point my toes to the extent that it has become automatic as soon as my feet leave the floor. This move, however, requires what is called a Circus Lock, which is essentially crossing one ankle over the other while keep one foot pointed and the other flexed. That’s how you keep the hold. Pointing both of my feet released the grip I had, and that it when I crashed.
As I sat there rubbing my head with my back up against the pole trying to get my racing heart to slow back down, I starting thinking about all the things that I do because it’s just the way I was taught or simply the way that I’ve always done it. I started wondering if these habits were still serving me, or if they were hindering my forward progression in life. I don’t really have an answer for this, but I do have more questions. Maybe questioning the why behind the things that we do is as good of a place to start as any.
Mad love, Jenna
Lovely and thoughtful entry. I appreciate your openness about your journey, it resonates with many of us. Also, very impressive videos.
Thank you. I try to write from the heart. I always hope that what I have to say might make someone feel less alone on their own path.