A lot of things happened this year. Some good. Some bad. I learned a lot about myself. One, I have really bad anxiety that I am trying to learn how to deal with. Two, I am a survivor, physically and mentally. And three, my husband Ben is still my soulmate. Not only did I learn about myself, but I also learned a few good lessons along the way.
Early this year my anxiety started getting really bad in a really new way. I tried changing medications from Celexa to Lexipro per the suggestion of my General Practitioner, but it didn’t really do much. After having my emotions come out in all the wrong ways at all the wrong places, I decided to go back into therapy. The place that I originally started using closed down awhile back, so I asked my best friend where she went. (Yeah, therapy is more common than you think.) I took some time off and just spent some time thinking about what my next move was going to be.
After mulling it over for awhile I decided, with the okay from Ben, that I was going to quit my job. This was a bold move. I had no plans for another job. I just knew that I needed to follow a different path than the one I was used to. I needed a change. And I needed it to smack me in the face. Hard! And boy did it ever.
I get asked all the time why I quit my job. First and foremost I love the people there, and they are all still a part of my family. I quit because I wasn’t enjoying the actual job anymore. I quit because it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I needed a new path to follow. I quit my job to find myself, to find out what I really wanted to be when I grow up. Then the fire happened.
I didn’t want to bankrupt us while I figured it all out, so I started helping out on the food truck. Well the day before the opening, when we were testing all the equipment, there was a leak in the gas line that nobody knew about. When we attempted to light the pilot lights on the deep fryer, a fireball came out from underneath. Three of us were injured with second degree burns. I was the least injured physically. (Don’t fret! We are now all okay.)
Remember me talking about anxiety before? Well now it is worse than ever. I made an appointment with a therapist that deals with anxiety and panic disorder. That’s what my diagnosis was from the first therapist. Therapist number 2 said that I wasn’t having panic attacks, I was having anxiety attacks. Ok, weird. Due to the fact that I like to stuff all of my emotions down (I have done this my whole life), I was now having problems with emotional regulation. Basically the volcano has erupted, and now all the emotions are flooding out. It was bound to happen. Your body can only hold so much before you explode. She was surprised that it took so long.
My therapist recommended I take Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, AKA DBT. It’s recommended for people who have PTSD and/or trauma. (I am raising my hand right now. This girl, right here!) It’s typically done in a group session. Unfortunately, my therapist didn’t specialize in that type of therapy. She recommended another counseling office. I called to try to get into a group session. They didn’t have a group session right now, but I could do individual sessions until something opened up. Screw it! I’ll try the individual sessions, something’s got to give.
So I switched to my new therapist, (Third time’s a charm!) and I absolutely love her. She had a couple of other girls interested in participating in a group therapy, so the plan was to start that in January 2019. Well that fell through. One girl dropped out, and two isn’t really a group. Now what? So therapist number three recommends EMDR therapy. It’s a “psychologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less disturbing way.” (Source.) Okay let’s try that. I have no idea what that is, but at this point I am willing to try damn near anything. We see each other once a week, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
I started working part time with my brother after the accident. Eventually my husband and I started our own art business. I started writing again. I used to write all the time. I am more comfortable expressing my emotions on paper than I am talking about them. I am now wondering why I stopped in the first place. (Hello, more things to discuss in therapy!).
I also started running again, which was huge for me. And apparently really good for reducing anxiety. I actually ran my first official 5K this year. It was pretty fun running on a trail that I had never been on before. I don’t know if I will do it again, but I’m not opposed to the idea. Running is more of a meditative experience for me. The chatter in my brain stops. My gaze softens. I just make sure to keep breathing. I don’t have to think to run. My legs do all the work.
I made peace with the propane accident, although I really don’t plan on messing around with propane anymore. Ben can light the grill. I’m fine with that. The food truck was completely converted to electric, and I even worked on it this year. (For real though, I sat at a table next to it. Hah!)
Moving forward into 2019 I plan to share my mental health journey. It will not always be comfortable, somewhat awkward even. My intention is to let other people know that they are not alone in this. I will also be sharing tricks and tips that I have learned along the way.
The year 2018 was my year of grace. Cheers to 2019, my year of finding peace! Salud!
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” How do you find peace in all the chaos of the world?
XOXO – Jenna
