Ben asked me the other day how I was able to act so calm right now in light of all the chaos. I opened my mouth the speak, and promptly closed it. How the hell did I get here?
Six months ago I was in the middle of the deepest part of my depression. I remember crying into Ben’s arms one day, feeling like I no longer wanted to live. But somewhere deep inside kept faith alive that I would come out on the other side. I just had to trudge through the pain for a little longer.
There are so many things that have contributed to getting me to this point in my life. The first step was just the willingness to do the work. And it truly is work. I dove head first into therapy, reading every book recommendation, and even taking it further on my own.
I read more books, listened to podcasts. I curated my InstaGram feed to show me only positive, uplifting accounts. I journaled. I cried. (There was so much crying.) I screamed at my husband. (Not one of my finer moments.) I quit my job so that I could figure out me.
Note: I am in no way saying that everyone needs to quit their jobs. Therapy is expensive. I am well aware of my privilege in this situation. I came from a middle-class white suburban household. But that in no way negates the anxiety, depression, and PTSD that I have been clinically diagnosed with. I have learned that you cannot say one person’s trauma is greater or less than another person’s trauma.
Trauma
For a long time I simply went along with the story that I was just one of those anxious people who were prone to have panic attacks all the time. I would try anything I could to numb the fear. I was headed down a dangerous rode, on my way to a DUI if I wasn’t careful. Then I was in an extremely scary propane accident.
I truly believe that the Universe conspired to slow me down. I could hardly walk for two weeks. My husband had to clean my feet daily, which was so painful. I was forced to let go of any control I thought I had over life. This was when I decided to go back to therapy. Again.
I started dealing with my trauma. First the obvious, the propane accident. This is a Type B trauma (or some people like to call it big T trauma), which tends to be easier to resolve. EMDR was my choice, and my current therapist’s specialty. The Type A trauma (or little t trauma) tends to take a little longer because they are so layered, and some of them are ongoing. Dad.
The past two years have been quite an unravelling of self. I have broken apart stories from my childhood, and rewritten them. I have realized the truth. Some I am still working on.
I have studied, and will continue to, the science behind how anxiety works in the body. Even through all the crying and struggles to be heard in the medical field, I am asking questions and doing my own research.
I am by no means a professional in this field of study. And to be honest, that isn’t really my intention. My goal is actually to become so completely educated and in tune with my own body and mind. I never took an anatomy class. And I think we can all agree that sex education in school is a joke. There was no actual discussion on how the reproductive system works. But I digress.
The Tool Kit
The first thing that I actually started doing was running. I like it. I used to run in middle and high school. It’s practically free. (I say that because I did invest in a good pair of running shoes.) I downloaded a free Interval Timer to my phone, and set up a Spotify playlist. I started out with 30 minutes total. I would run for one minute, and then walk for four minutes. I gradually increased the run time, and decreased the walk time. I now run for four minutes, and walk for one minute.
The next thing I got into was meditation. I started with the HeadSpace app, then moved to the Insight app. (I really like the HeadSpace app, but I was spending so much money on therapy that I had to find cheaper, AKA free, alternatives.) That’s when I found out about Tara Brach. She has a free podcast that I absolutely adore.
Then I discovered tarot again. Ben gave me a set as a gift years ago. In the beginning it was just a fun way to journal prompt. But now that I’ve gotten more into it, I’ve branched out into astrology. There is so much more to it than I ever understood before. I’m still trying to dissect it all, but I find it absolutely fascinating.
Then came my beloved morning pages. This actually came from a book recommendation from my therapist. (One of many.) The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron was a total game changer for me. I have learned so much about myself during the throes of a three-page brain dump. (This whole post is essentially from one.)
There were so many books, so many podcasts. I will list some of the standouts here. Note: I am not getting paid for any of these resources. These are simply the things that I have used myself.
Books. This is a partial list. I read 66 books last year. For the full list you can check me out on goodreads.
- The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller
- The Bhagavad-gita by Vyasa
- Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
- The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love the Lasts by Gary Chapman
- Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness By Jon Kabat-Zinn
- The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday
- Love Is A Choice Workbook by Robert Hemfelt
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud
- Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
- Buddha: A Story of Enlightenment by Deepak Chopra
- The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
Podcasts.
- The Skinny Confidential Him & Her Podcast
- The Tim Ferriss Show
- The mindbodygreen Podcast
- The Model Health Show
- The Living Experiment
- The GaryVee Audio Experience
- Style Your Mind with Cara Alwill Leyba
- The Highest Self Podcast with Sahara Rose
It’s quite an amazing feeling when you realize the veil of your life has lifted. And it isn’t that lightbulb moment that I had dreamed about it being. Eureka! Nope. It’s more of a slow unravelling. There are so many layers.
People don’t tell you how hard it is to really look at your life. The questions you begin to ask yourself are tough and painful. For me the pain of staying stuck in my story became larger than the pain to more forward. I didn’t know what I was on to, but I knew it was a signal to keep pushing. For what? I am still unsure.
XOXO – Jenna
