Virgo Full Worm Moon

As the temperatures begin to warm and the ground begins to thaw, the worms will start poking their heads out of the earth just in time for the birds to return from their southern retreat. This Virgo Full Worm Moon, as it is called by some Native Americans, signals that spring has finally sprung.

There is a park near my house where I like to run that has housing for the purple martins. I met their caretaker one morning, and he told me that these birds travel 5,000 miles from their winter habitation in Argentina. He explained to me that the upside-down buckets helped prevent the snakes from lacing their way up to the apartments sitting high up on a metal pole. He also wrapped the housing in a wire barrier to keep the native hawks from feasting on these purple delights. These birds typically remain here until July, when they will begin their trek back to the southern hemisphere for yet another winter in the north.

Maiden Voyage

This Virgo moon is asking us to connect with our inner voice – not the critic, the quieter one, the one we try and pretend isn’t there. We all come into this world exactly who we are meant to be, but over time that identity gets covered. We conceal the truth about ourselves, many times without even realizing it. I can remember the exact moment I put down my Barbie dolls for the last time. I actually still loved playing with those dolls, but I was afraid that if I kept playing with them that I would get bullied even more than I already was. So as a protection mechanism, I packed them all away.

I was never strong enough to stand up to bullies as a child. The people that were supposed to protect me and keep me safe were active participants in the decline of my mental health. They were a part of the abuse, the emotional neglect that left me feeling alone in a world that was constantly being turned upside-down. How was I supposed to learn how to stand up to my oppressors outside of the home when they were inside as well? The short answer is that I didn’t. Instead I became a hyperaware, anxious person who was always on the lookout for the next assault, whether that be physical or verbal. Sticks and stones, my ass. It hurts just the same.

For even more than we are doers, we are deciders. And once the decision is clear, the doing becomes effortless.

Eihwaz, Ralph Blum, The Book of Runes

As an adult, I realize that it is my responsibility to essentially unfuck myself. These protection mechanisms have turned into habits that aren’t serving me anymore. I managed to get myself out of the house, but those neural pathways take a while to reroute. It’s almost as if my nervous system doesn’t know how to live in a place of relaxation. My body can’t seem to catch up to the fact that I am safe now, that there isn’t danger lurking around every corner. Virgo is my 12th house of introspection, unconscious behavior and release. It’s literally telling me to sit down and take a break, something I have rarely allowed myself to do over the years.

Heaven & Hell

Virgo is the sign of virgin energy, and I am not talking about sex. We all enter this world as maidens, and hopefully through our journey on this planet end up as crones. We change and age, becoming wise beyond our years, as they say. In order to do so we must be able to take a hard look in the mirror, and ask ourselves who is really there underneath it all. And then we have to find the courage to live from our true selves, not the watered down version we present to the rest of the world.

People talk about heaven and hell like they are places to go after we have suffered or survived this life, the afterlife. We had these things all wrong, or they were presented to us as a mechanism for control. Religion has always fascinated and completely confused me. I was baptized as a child, at my grandmother’s request, but we never really went to church. I mostly went with friends to their various houses of worship, never really understanding what all the hubbub was about. What is it about these things that make people keep coming back?

During my last therapy session, which was a bit ago at this point, I had a conversation with her about the concept of Heaven on Earth. She is a Christian therapist, so she knows more about this Bible stuff than I do. What I discovered through our discussion is this: Maybe “hell” is simply another way of staying trapped in a limited identity, not living to the truth of who you are. Maybe “heaven” is what comes after your spiritual awakening, her words not mine. I called it a nervous breakdown, while some call it a midlife crisis. Whatever phrasing works best for you and your journey is perfectly acceptable to me.

Deal to Heal

I have a tendency to isolate myself when things get too difficult. I learned a long time ago that being alone was the only break I received from being a people-pleaser. Unfortunately the reality of the situation was that I was completely losing myself to this type of emotional bypassing. Everyone else’s needs came above my own, even to the detriment of my own emotional stronghold. When you give in this type of way from your own emotional reserves, eventually the cup dries up leaving you dehydrated with nothing left to give. I became a shell of a human, an empty one.

Therapy, specifically DBT, gave me the professional insight and proper tools on how to deal with all of these raging emotions. Even the “good” emotions aren’t sustainable as I once thought. I was chasing this concept of happy, which is essentially like a dog chasing its tail. It doesn’t actually get you anywhere. The lesson is learning how to balance those good emotions with the “bad” emotions. They are all valuable parts of the human condition. Would happy even exist without sad? Would anger be a thing without exhilaration?

I look to the Three of Cups Reversed during these moments of my life as a reminder to “reconnect with the people you care about, let loose and have a good time, without worrying too much about the consequences.” (Brigit Esselmont, Biddy Tarot) This is not a throwback to my drug-addled days of not really caring about what happened to me in the end. I see it as a sign to stop looking for all the ways that I could potentially be threatened, as all this tends to do is rile up my anxiety. This isn’t an easy task, mainly because our reptilian brains are hardwired to keep us safe from danger. The key is to become a detective in your own life, by looking for all the joy that is here from moment to moment. There is so much. We just aren’t prone to look for it.

Mad love, Jenna