Anxiety has such mixed responses in the world these days. I get asked a lot why I can’t just let things go, or why I can’t just move on. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I get looked at like I am an injured puppy. Guess what? They both suck.
Anxiety has a tendency to make someone feel like the black sheep. My thoughts immediately shift into “Maybe I am an injured puppy?” or “Why can’t I just let things go?” Holy shit! Do you know how freeing it would feel if I actually could do that? Just let things go! The problem is I don’t know how.
I have spent my entire life becoming very efficient at not dealing with things, especially my own emotions. Restaurants were a great place to hone my skills. I have been yelled at by managers, coworkers, customers, people across the street, you name it. But you can’t yell back, you will ruin your tips. Or get fired even. My solution: I stuffed all the “bad” emotions away never to be seen again.
I knew it was getting pretty bad when I stopped holding it back. Words started slipping through the cracks. And then I started to feel really angry, and I couldn’t figure out why. I kept trying to fight it, but it just kept coming back up again. It got worse every time. Eventually the volcano erupted. All the emotions came flooding out at once.
Now if you are a person, such as myself, who has spent their entire life stuffing emotions away and not actually feeling them, this experience is quite dramatic. Remember in the old Looney Tunes cartoons when they get angry, you can see them turning red and smoke shoots out of their ears. Yeah, it’s kind of like that.
Emotional Regulation
You can’t change an emotion if you stuff it. My therapist told me that. Damn it! You must acknowledge the emotion and feel it, before you can change it. Now how the hell am I supposed to acknowledge and feel an emotion when I have the Hoover Dam pouring out of me?
At my next appointment I went back to my therapist with a huge question on my mind: What is the point of emotions if they just hurt us all the time? I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way. She told me that emotions are vital to us. What is everyone went around emotionless? It would be a pretty boring world. OK. I hear you. But what am I supposed to do with them?
Emotions are a signal to your body to bring your awareness to something in particular. It isn’t necessarily good or bad, however the emotion should match the proper moment. Not only should the emotions match, but the intensity of the emotion needs to match as well. (Hint: This is the part I suck at.)
Do you remember the time you learned what 52 Card PickUp was? Feel that. Now do you know what it’s like when a little kid is trying to put the triangle in the triangle hole, but he or she can’t because they are holding the rectangle? Feel that. Now feel them together. Confused? Overwhelmed? A little panicked? That’s how it feels to have a lack of emotional intelligence.
When it hurts – observe. Life is trying to teach you something.
Anita Krizzan
Just like little kids, it’s really easy to get frustrated when things don’t match up correctly. I do it ALL THE TIME. Honestly there are days where I end up a sobbing mess on the couch. And there are days when I just say F- it and read all day. But most days I can at least stop and ask myself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”
Reality-Check the Messages!
Is my emotion factual? I discussed a little bit about emotions in this post, but I want to go a little deeper. If the emotion does “fit the facts,” you can choose to feel it and let it run its course. If not, you have two options: 1. Let it consume you. 2. Redirect.
Emotions propel you toward an action. If you do the opposite action, you can change the emotion. If you are scared, walk toward the fear. If you are stressed, slow down or do some self care. If you are anxious, find a way to ground yourself or breathe. (Easier said than done.)
The crucial part for my understanding of this concept is that you want to do the opposite of the urge, not the opposite of the action. Fear tells you to run away. Think about the last time you didn’t do something because you were scared. How did that work out for you? If you tried it and it didn’t work out for you, let’s try something else.
Let’s instead walk toward the fear. (I am not telling you to jump out of an airplane because you are afraid of heights.) I was terrified of starting this blog, to put myself out there in such a vulnerable way. I knew that I would regret it down the road if I didn’t at least try.
Between the two evils, I generally like to pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
So I leaned into the fear, and I tried something new and scary. I can always go back to restaurants if it doesn’t work out. I have no shame in that. I would be more ashamed of myself if I never tried in the first place.
XOXO – Jenna
