that time I took a pole class that wasn’t a pole class
As someone who fancies themselves a writer, I never thought in a million years that it would take me three hours and 15 tries to write a meager two sentences. And if we’re being completely honest, I still don’t think I did it right.
When I signed up for this class I didn’t really know what I had signed up for, but knowing the studio and the instructor I put my fate in their hands. Funny enough this class was about power, and not in a gross sense, but in a standing on your own two feet sense. I mean, I know these heels command attention all on their own. It’s just that the girl who is wearing them still feels a bit wobbly sometimes.
“Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.”
– Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
I didn’t really realize it at the time, but it was exactly what I needed. And yet at the same time I am left with more questions than answers. We very quickly learn how to get our needs met. When we were infants, we cried. When we were toddlers, we threw tantrums. When we were children becoming more aware of those around us, we adopted various methods to get those needs met. And this varies from person to person as our upbringings are all vastly different. I personally became quiet, submissive, the ultimate good girl as best as I could be. Perfection was the goal. Pleasing was the method.
These people-pleasing tendencies went on for a long time. In fact I still do it a lot as these types of habits are difficult to break. What really felt like a punch to the gut was when the instructor said this: “Women have a very vague longing for what they desire. They call it dissatisfaction.” I saw that in myself instantly, the awareness that something was missing, and that fact that I couldn’t put words to this deep sadness that runs under the surface of my life. Have I ever been satisfied? Do I even know what that would feel like if I was?
An Exchange of Energy
In sex work we use the terms Dom and Submissive, but all it really boils down to is outward focus versus inward focus. And we do that in our daily lives, often without even realizing it. We are either giving or receiving, whether that be a kind word or a smack on the ass it’s really not all that different when you get to the core of the intention behind it.
Your hunger knows what it wants, but there are times when you forget that you’re hungry.
Oddly enough, which is why I am left so baffled about this class, is that the dominant energy was easier for me to step into. It was the submissive side that I fumbled with. My attempts to write a statement acknowledging my desires turned bratty, which is something I had never considered before. Is this how I’ve been getting my needs met all along? I didn’t think so, but this revelation is having me question how I approach things and how I’ve done that in the past. I can see it now, and I don’t really like it. Hmph.
Mad love, Jenna
