No one tells you growing up that if you don’t deal with your emotions, they will come back to bite you in the ass. My emotions did just that exact thing to me. (Read more about that here.) I have spent my entire life trying to emotionally run away from anything that might hurt me. Boy was I wrong!
I guess at some point your body says that enough is enough. Your nervous system checks in big time, sending you immediately into flight-or-fight mode. It’s almost explosive. The adrenaline rush, the shaking, it all floods your system. Overload.
You try to fight the panic, trying to keep it from taking over completely. What are you so scared of? You can’t put it into words. It’s not something tangible that you can explain away. It goes much deeper than that.
You don’t even know how this all happened. It just hit you like a ton of bricks, leaving you confused, which just scares you even more. And the circle begins.
The Bottom of the Well
I have read numerous self-help books. I have listened to podcasts. I follow all of the positive and encouraging people I can find on social media, people who have been where I am now. The main thing I’ve noticed is that no one talks about is how difficult it is to get through to the other side.
All they seem to talk about is how happy they are on the other side of whatever their problem was. You don’t see the days that they can’t leave the house, because they can’t stop crying. You don’t see the moments of pure despair, and wanting all of the panic to go away. You sometimes wonder if it ever will.
People tend to withdraw when they are going through something truly emotional. I have. This season of my life requires me to be less accessible. This season of my life requires me to be more private. It’s a lonely road that unfortunately kind of just needs to be followed.
It was only until during a recent therapy session that I actually just sat with the panic and fear. Using EMDR (Read more about that here.) I was able to open up the emotional flood gates. I cried, and I mean a lot.
Sympathetic vs. Parasympathetic Nervous System
It also doesn’t just end in the therapy office. Once you open up those flood gates, you just have to let it all out. I spent the next few days with my sympathetic nervous system in full panic mode. I would wake up like the exorcist. (My husband’s words, not mine.) I would randomly just start crying.
I went back to therapy terrified that the panic attacks would never stop. Logically I know that it is not possible; your body can only handle so much before it crashes. (Did I mention how physically exhausting this all is?) The truth of the matter is that I need to tap into my parasympathetic nervous system in order to give myself some relief.
The easiest way that I can remember this is that the sympathetic nervous system is your flight-or-fight mode. Think stress. The parasympathetic nervous system is your rest and relax mode. Think peace. Sympathetic equals stress, parasympathetic equals peace.
So how do you do that? I do breathing exercises, meditate, exercise, walk in nature, yoga nidra, journal and take CBD. (Read more about that here.) I also take medication prescribed by my doctor. I see a therapist once a week.
Now all of these things are tools. But the real work is the physical act of getting all of the emotions out of your body. These tools will just take some of the edge off. It’s still going to hurt. And you don’t just snap out of it. It slowly becomes a little less scary. That is the reality of the situation.
Fear Is My Homeboy
Sometimes things can literally smack you so hard in the face that you cannot possibly look away. This happened to me recently.
I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Style Your Mind by Cara Alwell Lebya of The Champagne Diet. She was interviewing Judi Holler about her new book, Fear is My Homeboy. This sounded like something I should absolutely read. I added that book to my Goodreads Want to Read List.
A few days later, Goodreads sent me an email that there was a giveaway for this book. I enter them all, and I never win anything. What the hell? There was nothing to lose. I entered the giveaway, and I actually won a digital copy of this book. Whoop! Whoop!
When fear gets in your way and causes you to make choices that are easy and unhealthy versus choices that require courage in order for you to protect you and your time, you’re letting fear control your life in a negative way.
Judi Holler, Fear Is My Homeboy
This was exactly what I was talking with my therapist about. If I want the panic attacks to go away, then I need to lean into the fear. As much as I want to fight it, as much as it hurts, the only way out is through.
I finally feel as though I am starting to come through this. I am not saying that I won’t have my days. I think we all do. But just the act of releasing all of that pent-up emotion really does make a person feel better. I suppose some days, you just have to cry it out.
XOXO- Jenna
