We all have it, that inner critic inside your head that keeps telling you that you are doing it wrong, that you are a piece of shit, that you need to be this way or that way. It tells you what you should be doing. It’s harsh, it’s cruel, and it’s sometimes downright mean. But it’s there, and it’s not going to go away.
Mine is sort of a conglomeration of different things. It’s a cross between Jimminy Cricket, Michigan J. Frog, and The Critic. That last one was a short run animated series about Jay Sherman from 1994. I don’t actually remember ever watching that show, which is weird. I think it came on right before another show I liked to watch, so I always saw the very end. I’ve heard that some people like to name their inner critics. I guess we will call mine Jay, for now.
Jay sure does talk a lot, and he kind of reminds me of all the men in my life who have consistently told me how to be in this world. He kind of looks like that uncle of mine that I don’t really like, and all of those men in the General Assembly that I have come into contact with (not the good kind). I really wish he would shut the fuck up sometimes.
Hello My Baby
Sometimes my Jay is quiet and ever so persistent, and other times he pops into my head singing and dancing his tune, top hat and cane in hand. I hate him so very much. Do all of this, he says, to be successful in this life, to succeed in this world. What if that isn’t what I want? What if your version of success doesn’t match mine?
Yes, I am saying all of this to to that same voice in my head, which logically I know to be my own. This is what happens to us in the early stages of our lives. We get instructed on how to be without ever stopping to give time to think about who to be. At least that is what happened to me. I started to be what everyone else wanted me to be. And then somewhere along the line, I changed my mind. I began to disagree with Jay, and everything that I was taught. I had to unlearn it all so that I could begin again.
My version came in the form of anxiety. Every time I was acting against my true self, I got anxious. But they said to do it this way. I am constantly fighting with these thoughts. I tried to be what they wanted me to be. I tried to follow the path that was set out before me. I shoved myself into the box that society told me was right and good. It was awful, that box.
Let Your Conscious Be Your Guide
Somewhere along the way, I started to hate myself and the person that I was becoming. I did what many other people do in this situation. I ran and I numbed. I bit my nails in the beginning, down to the quick, until they bled. As I got older I smoked, drank, and did other various terrible-for-you activities. Maybe it will make me feel better, I thought. Maybe it won’t hurt so much to be in this world that doesn’t want you to be the person that you are. Ouch!
I had to walk away from the life that I was living. It was going to kill me. I knew that then. I just didn’t have the self-worth to do it. I didn’t think it mattered what I felt. I was just a doll in this world, a plaything for others.
I am starting to find myself again, to return to the person that I was before the world made me change. It’s not an easy task. Trust. This shit is hard. It’s so hard to fight against your own mind, to change the way it views you. But goddammit it’s fucking worth it.
Mad love, Jenna
