If you conform to gender roles, you will be happy. That’s what they said. That’s what society would instill in us to be “right” and “good.” That’s what advertisers would sell. Women conformed to these rules of thought, and so did men.
Just as women are tired of our own roles in the world, so are men tired of their masculine masks. Some even get so afraid of losing their hold over that mask, they lash out in unhealthy ways.
How do we as individual people figure out who we really are? Society has manipulated us so much into its current state that it’s no wonder we have essentially started to lose our minds. We have even in a sense lost our souls, and we are only now coming to realize that they weren’t really lost at all.
Finding the Self
Throughout history, women have been presented as a tool to be used to further the creation of mankind. Political policy, religion, societal values, advertising, and social media all lead us to believe that women are inferior. The insinuation that we should be happy at home raising children, or that we should be happy in a 9 to 5 Administrative Assistant position (which I believe to be just a spruced up term for Secretary) is simply laughable.
Courses such as Home Economics, or Family Life as my school called it, were most definitely geared toward women. It was all about sewing, cooking, and balancing a checkbook. The class was basically “How to Be a Good Housewife” all tied up in a pretty little bow of “equality.” It wasn’t equality; it was the same damn thing as before. Stop hiding behind the terminology.
Men were taught on the most simplest terms “Don’t be a pussy.” (Sorry for the language, but it’s accurate.) They took woodshop and weightlifting, you know, manly activities. They were most definitely not encouraged to play with dolls.
I am only beginning to see the repercussions of the decisions that were placed around both women and men, on what we should be or should do. We have all been trying to fit into these perfect little cupcake molds, when in reality we are all secretly screaming.
The greatest gift of a lifetime is the gift of being yourself.
Viola Davis
There was something wrong the whole time. It wasn’t just a fluttering thought in the pit of your stomach. It’s that secret part of you that has been repressed for so long letting you know it’s still there. It’s what has driven some housewives to drink and take pills to get through their days. It’s what has driven some men to become workaholics.
I have learned all too well the results of repressing your emotions. (Read more about that here.) It will come out eventually. It’s much easier to do it on your own terms. Trust me on this.
Childless by Choice
Before I was married my gynecologist would ask me every year if I wanted to get checked for STDs, yada, yada. After I was married she started asking me if I was planning on having children. Now I understand that this seems like pretty standard operating procedure. Not for me. I am not interested in children.
Even in today’s society people are taken aback by this thought. It’s as though I am just a walking uterus, with no ability to make my own decisions. Does this mean I dislike children? Not at all. I have a nephew who I absolutely adore.
At this point in my life it would be selfish of me to bring a child into this world. The only reason I could see myself having a child would be to fill a void that I carry. That’s not the correct reason to have children.
Through therapy and tons of self-reflection that I need to learn how to fill that void for myself. I need to learn how to make myself happy. A child can’t make me happy, and forcing a child to carry that burden seems cruel. For that reason I choose the be childless, for now.
I may change my mind about this decision further down the road, after more therapy and self-reflection. I may come to a point in my life where I do truly feel happy and comfortable bringing a child into this world. It is not my duty as a woman, or an obligation as a wife. I am my own responsibility. I am not a walking uterus. This is my choice, and only my choice to make.
P.S. My husband fully supports my decision on this. P.P.S. I have also asked my gyno. to stop asking me about pregnancy. She completely understood.
The More You Know
During my own course of self-discovery, I am unearthing scores of lies that I have believed to be true about myself. I have really tried to take some deep looks into who I want to be as a person compared to how I act as a person. I realize now that I have spent quite a long time living outside of alignment in that sense.
In some cases I think my body was even giving me signs that something was off. (Hello anxiety!) I simply chose to ignore it. I just did what I thought I was supposed to do, instead of really listening to myself. Butterflies?
I forgive myself for the way I reacted to things before I knew any better.
My Mantra
I am still learning about who I want to be and how to be that person; I never realized that I was the one that was holding myself back from getting there. Through no fault of my own, it was merely a lack of education. Meditation has really helped me tune in, (More on that here.) but one thing that I keep asking myself is, what else might be true?
Most of the really significant revolutions started with an internal one.
Pilar Gerasimo
To some extent I think we are all on our own personal journeys of just trying to figure out this whole life thing. This shit is hard, and it takes a while. We can’t expect to change the world overnight. Revolutions take time, and we are only just beginning to make a rumble.
