I’ve spent these last few years in a sort of self-imposed isolation. In the beginning it was because I hated the world. I hated how I was being treated. I hated the person I was becoming. I was burnt out, and quite frankly devastated at realizing that I had spent so many years chasing a dream only to come to the obvious conclusion that I simply didn’t want it anymore. And without that dream, that goal to push for and aspire to, who was I without that? I honestly didn’t know anymore.
I had to start on the long arduous journey of finding myself, and I had to do it alone, without the world bearing down its ugly gaze in my direction. I didn’t want to hear what people had to say about me. I didn’t even want to come to terms with the things that I had been telling myself for so long. It was mostly lies. I was hindering my own progress by denying myself the truth of who I am.
The first time I sat down to write again, it was awful. I wrote exactly one paragraph and began to sob. All of the emotions that I had been holding in for so long came flooding out, almost as though I was grieving. I was pissed at the world for making me think less of myself. I was sad that I had denied myself for so long. I felt stupid and ashamed and hurt all wrapped up in one. So I just sat there, and let it all come out. I let the tears release their endorphins, taking some of that pain away as they rolled down my cheeks. It was a humbling moment to say the least. I had broken myself open and now it was up to me to put the pieces of my life back together.
I learned to love myself again, all the parts of me, the good and the ugly. And in doing so I find that I am never really lonely in my aloneness. I enjoy my own company, and I haven’t been able to say that very often in the past. It’s quite a lovely feeling actually, to know that no matter what, that I can come back to myself and find all the things that I’m looking for. They are already here, and they always have been.
I am coming out of this isolation more and more these days. And as I present this (I don’t want to say new, because it feels more true and original to the person that I have always been) varied version of myself to the world, I do so with a tremendous amount of care and compassion for myself. I know the shock of it all. I know what some people are saying or thinking behind my back. I also know that some people are actually rooting for me to succeed, people who are excited to see me smiling and happy after all these years. Those are the people that I am grateful to have in my life, the ones who are cheering me on on the sidelines. I have been that person for others for so long. It’s nice to finally have that for myself.
Mad love, Jenna
