Have you ever been both proud of yourself and disappointed in yourself at the same time? It’s a weird space to be in, but one that I have found myself before. These past couple of classes have tested me in a way that I have yet to come up against before, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just yet another one of those life lessons that keep popping up in some of the most interesting of places.
I have wanted to learn how to dance on the pole for a long time. I am not so much interested in the stripping aspect as I am in the knowledge that one gets from moving their own body. In the last session we learned about musicality, the creation of a melodious harmony. Having taken classical ballet for eleven years I thought I understood what this meant, but as I stood there at the bottom of the pole my mind went completely blank. I had no idea what I was going to do or what it was going to look like, more importantly I how it was going to feel.
I am reminded of two very distinct times in my past where I have also felt this way. One was during a dance recital when I slipped and almost fell, catching myself at the last minute before face planting into the stage. I was mortified, but also really hard on myself about it. I tried reaching out to those who were there to support me emotionally, and I found out very quickly that they simply didn’t have the knowledge or understanding of their own feelings. So how could they possibly help me to feel better about messing up in front of a thousand people?
The second time was in high school when I starred in a One Act play. The very last scene I forgot my lines. I just stared helplessly up at my costar hoping that he would understand. My attempts to improv were folly, and my teacher was less than helpful that next Monday at school. Her last words to me were, “You suck a memorization.” That was the last time I put myself on a stage.
It has taken me years to feel comfortable enough putting myself out there again. My mind still wants to go back to those words that were said to me so long ago, words that made me feel less than, words that made me feel like a failure. I took them to heart and I held them there for far too long, the opinions of others.
I am still learning to give myself some grace, especially when trying new things such as pole dancing. Some days I dance and feel like such a badass, and then the next class will be a struggle. These are the times when my brain goes into critique mode, which is really just a fancy way of saying that I shit on myself because it isn’t as good as where I think I should be.
I tried a move that I had done a bunch of other times thinking that it would be just as easy, and it wasn’t. While repetition and practice is the key to success, we also have to understand that just because we did something once and it was awesome, this doesn’t mean that we won’t still mess it up in the future. We are humans, not machines or robots. And this is the lesson that I need to remember.
In that same dance I did manage to accomplish a new move, one that I wasn’t even expecting, one that was not in any sense of the word planned. I am learning. I am growing and getting better. Unlike this metal pole, our process isn’t always linear. I would go out on a limb and say that most times it is not.
Mad love, Jenna
