Full moons can both offer us endings as well as new beginnings, for we must clear out what is already there before we can invite something new inside. This Pisces Full Harvest Moon symbolizes just that. This is the time of year when the the moon rises at approximately the same time in the evenings, giving the farmers an extended period of light in which to finish reaping the last of this year’s crops. I’ve learned that I am my own enemy most of the time, that my brain likes to lie to me, and that I am the happiest doing the things that I loved as a child. We often give up on the things that we hold dear to our hearts out of fear, only to come back to them years later, because fuck it. No one really cares what we are doing anyway.
The Harvest Moon doesn’t always land itself in September. Technically speaking it is the full moon that falls closest to the autumnal equinox, which happens on either September 22 or 23 depending on the year. If the October full moon is closer, than the full moon in September is called the Full Corn Moon. This corresponds to the time when we harvest corn here in the northern part of the United States. It is called the Corn Maker Moon to the Western Abenaki and the Corn Harvest Moon to the Dakota. Some Native cultures named the moon by the visuals associated with the changing season: Autumn Moon to the Cree, Falling Leaves Moon to the Ojibwa, Leaves Turning Moon to the Anishinaabe, Moon of Brown Leaves to the Lakota, and Yellow Leaf Moon to the Assiniboine. Others look to the animal kingdom, such as the Child Moon to the Tinglit (when animals are weaned) or the Mating Moon and the Rutting Moon both to the Cree (when animals like moose, elk, and deer are eager to mate).
Mind-Body Duality
Mutable water Pisces is a feminine sign ruled by both Neptune in the diurnal and Jupiter in the nocturnal, both masculine signs. The symbol that represents this zodiacal sign is one of two fish lying back-to-back and joined across the middle, and was often thought to be a representation of the bringing together of two worlds: the divine and the human. We are often taught that our minds and bodies work independently from each other, but the more I learn about myself and how I fit into this world, the more I believe that type of thinking is not to be fully trusted. As someone who has gone through full episodes of depression, I can say with conviction that my mental health did absolutely have an affect on my physical health. Conversely one of the ways I got out of my funk was to physically move my body.
I find most humans these days leave their bodies quite often, entering into some sort of virtual reality. I am not excluding myself from this in any way. We tell ourselves all kinds of stories, those of which may or may not even be true. One can never truly believe their own thoughts. Our brains just act like giant computers, sifting through the various inputs in an attempt to make sense of this world. What matters is what you feed it. I guess we really are what we eat in that sense. If you feed it garbage, than the output may be trash. The problem for most people is that they often don’t even realize that they’ve left. We go about our day-to-day activities without paying attention most of the time. Our lives become more a series of events or things to get done that we forget to actually live them.
I worked 80 hour weeks at my last restaurant job, often feeling overworked and underappreciated. I was drowning. There was nothing else I could do besides walk away. I lost everything I had known and everyone I had loved, except for a select few. It’s times like that when you really learn who your family truly is, who the people who love and support you really are. It’s why I stayed so long in such an abusive atmosphere. I was afraid to be alone. I have now come to realize that being alone and loneliness are two different things. I am often alone, sitting at my ancient laptop in a back corner of my house, tucked away from the world at large. I wouldn’t, however, call myself lonely. Would I like to have more friends? Of course I would, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for anyone else.
Love & Boundaries
Boundaries have been, and still are, essential to my healing. As a recovering people-pleaser with an unhealthy codependent relationship style, I have had to learn how to set them, but more importantly was knowing where in my life I needed them in the first place. It all started with coming back into my body, which was scary in and of itself. Dissociation has been a prized choice in my toolkit since I was a young girl. If I can’t remember it happening, than I don’t have to deal with it. Often it’s our minds that take over and make this decision for us. It wasn’t a conscious one at the time, but a faithful one nonetheless.
I find myself now in a process of unlearning as well as learning. I am clearing out all of the yuck in my life, so I can make more room for the simple pleasures that arise in this world. With that comes a lot of grief, sadness for the life that could have been, for the joys that will never been witnessed again. It’s not all doom and gloom though. Even in depths of our own misery we can find some hope, and it was that that I clutched onto, mostly because there wasn’t anything else down there with me. When you are left with nothing, you can more clearly see what truly matter in this life.
What matters to me now more than ever is my mental health, and I will protect it at all costs. If this means cutting certain people out of my life, then so be it. “I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.” I’m not sure who actually said that, but it is so absolutely true. I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for the love of another, because that’s not what love really is. Boundaries, as tough as they are to set, are even harder to hold, especially if you are a person like me who has let people walk all over you for the majority of your life. This is the price we must pay in order to truly love yourself. You are the person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Love that person with everything in your heart, and the rest will follow.
An Unbalancing Act
The Pisces New Moon started me off on a journey, as new moons typically do, an internal one. The was evidenced by the fact that I pulled the Queen of Pentacles Reversed, which is the tarot card that basically shows you how much you are lacking balance in your life. As a Libra, symbolized by the scales, I find this comical, a cosmic joke perhaps. I used to be one of those people who was searching for that #worklifebalance and I have only come to realize that it doesn’t really exist. I find it as illusive as perfectionism, this concept we are taught to chase after to strive for, yet something we can never obtain. It’s like the dog that keeps chasing its tail, exhausting itself without gaining anything substantive.
I find this life to be more like a seesaw, sometimes leaning one way and sometimes the other. We sort of teeter totter instead of keeping it all perfectly level. What fun is there in that? Without the ups and downs this life would be utterly boring. This can be scary for many people, including myself. We fear the unknown, finding ourselves more comfortable in our stuck places because we know what is there. It’s scary to walk away from one thing without fully being immersed in the next, but it’s in these blank spaces of our lives where we can truly find ourselves. “At the same time both pregnant and empty, it comprehends the totality of being, all the is to be actualized” (The Book of Runes, Ralph Blum). Odin, the rune of destiny, signifies that basic need to come into our own deliverance. No one else is going to do it for you. This is not to say, however, that you have to do this alone.
Sometimes we need help navigating these oceanic-sized waves that come crashing into our lives, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. We have made great strides in removing some of the stigma around asking others for help, but there is so much more work to be done. All of it starts with the self, and works its way out from there. You can’t heal the world until you heal yourself, as they say. Geez! I’m doing it okay. I am a work in progress, as most of us are these days. It’s the ones who are willing to put in the effort that will live to see the most liberating results. I asked my therapist one time what it felt like to be healed from all of this. She told me that it felt like freedom.
Mad love, Jenna
To See More…
The Iris Patch | The Siren | Mutually Beneficial | A Day at the Beach
