We’re taught that success means making your way to the top, that failure is not an option, that when you’re down on the ground you have to get back up. I made my way to what many would consider the top of the restaurant ladder, and quite frankly I didn’t enjoy the view.
There is something to be said about letting gravity take hold, of melting into the floor like butter. It feels decadent, like I’m giving in to a pleasure that I didn’t even know that I wanted. It feels tantric almost, a bit shameful and taboo to enjoy staying down, and yet it feels juicy and ripe for the taking. How can one resist? And why should I for that matter?
There is value to be found in the messy parts of life. This is where we learn about ourselves, about life in general, and about how we want to exist in this world. It still hurts though. It’s still a struggle having to sift through the rubble when your life falls apart. You may even find that you put the pieces back together wrong sometimes, that whole three steps forward two steps back thing people are always writing into songs. And then you tear open the seams in an attempt to make sense of it all, it an attempt to put it together yet again.
We humans aren’t meant to push ourselves as hard as we do. The ocean, even something as vast and profound as that, must pull back. It must regenerate new energy, so that it can come back to the shore, the mighty wave. In order to do that we must learn how to recognize when to rest and when to push forward, a balancing act that never really ever gets centered. The best we can do is to check in with all parts of us, our bodies and our minds, and to make sure that they are all present and availble.
I had to burn down all the preconceived notions of who I thought I was in order to become who I really was. That meant rolling around in my own muck. It meant coming to terms with those parts of me that I hated, some of which needed to go and some of which I desperately wanted to love. It’s dirty work. But as Thich Nhat Hanh said: No Mud, No Lotus.
Mad love, Jenna
BONUS VIDEO! Because I hated the previous dance. I could see the exact moment when I wanted to stop dancing, so I did what we all do. I did it again, but this time it felt better.
