I choose to live my life seasonally, honoring the ever-changing cycles with rituals. The Taurus New Moon reminds me to release the past, new beginnings. My womb follows this same cycle, shedding what she no longer needs to hold on to. No more grasping.
We have the pressure to present a good self, but we doubt what’s underneath.
Tara Brach
For so long, I would mask myself. I was trying to protect myself from the pain. I thought that if I hid the certain parts of myself that were too much, ridiculous, or dramatic that I would be loved. It worked for a while, until it didn’t.
I was doing it all wrong, yet again. I was trying to find external validation while simultaneously (holy crap! i spelled that right first try.) losing myself. I started to hate myself, the person that I was becoming. I had to get out. I had to break the pattern.
That’s the hard part. It’s doing the thing that you know somewhere deep down that what you are doing is right, even though everyone else in the world is telling you to stay in line. What if I don’t want to be in that line? What if I don’t like what they have to offer?
I think it starts somewhere around the time we are taught to stop coloring outside the lines. Stay in line. Be good. You will be loved. They said.
Ben always tells me that I am that kid in art school who is always covered in charcoal, even though we didn’t use any that day. He laughs at me when I come in from gardening because I am always covered head to toe in dirt.
When I do things, I go all in. I like getting my hands dirty. I am dramatic, ridiculous, and over-the-top. I like that part of me, so I’m going to keep doing it. I’m an adult, right?
Mad love, Jenna
