“So this is love, mmm. So this is love. So this is what makes life divine.” Love is officially in the air! Ruled by Venus, the planet of love, beauty, and values, this Libra New Moon is inviting us to take a good look at our relationships, not just those with other people, but also the one that we have with ourselves. Many of us have been taking the necessary steps to make some of these adjustments in our lives in the way of setting boundaries and learning how to hold to them. Some of us are only just beginning to determine where these alterations need to take place. I find myself with one foot in the first and my other foot in the latter. It’s called balance, or maybe I am simply still trying to figure it all out.
Much like the leaves that fall off the trees this time of year, sometimes relationships too must wither and die. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but one we must all come to terms with throughout the various seasons of our lives. I lost most of my relationships when I left the restaurant industry. Some, I have come to realize, were only transactional in nature. Some were sorely missed, and consequently grieved. Others I had to remove completely due to the toxicity of the relationship. And a few are still around, and remain some of the best friends and chosen family I have ever had. If there is one thing that I have learned, it’s this: just because people are your family, does not give them the right to treat you like shit. Life is way to short to deal with people who hold hate in their hearts. They can fuck right off.
Empathy As a Trauma Response
For far too long I have let people walk all over me. I have sacrificed my safety and comfort for those around me. Culturally women are taught this, and it has taken me years to unlearn it all. Shit I still am! This teaching was exacerbated by the fact that I grew up in a trauma-bonded codependent household. All of our needs got enmeshed to the point where I didn’t know if these were my feelings, or if I was taking on the emotions of others. Some may call this empathy, but the more I learn the more I realize that there is so much more to it than a mere personality trait. No, my friends, it can also be a trauma response.
New studies have been coming out that say that people who experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) have elevated empathy levels as adults compared to those that didn’t. We feel things so much more and take on so much more without even realizing it half the time. Growing up, I didn’t know that I was being saddled with the emotional demands of my caretakers. All I knew was that my needs weren’t being met, my emotions were being neglected, and that there was nothing at the time that I could do about it. As I got older, I rebelled, but now I am coming at it from an entirely different place. No longer the victim of my circumstances, I have now moved into a place of accountability.
As a trauma-induced empath, I can see how the people in my life were doing the best that they could given the circumstances that we were all in. I can also see how harmful some of the decisions were that people made for me without my consent, things I would never do or say to another person. Hurt people hurt people, they say. I also firmly believe that this is not a valid excuse to not be held accountable for your actions. Have I said and done some stupid shit in my life? Abso-fucking-lutely! Have I had to apologize and make amends for that? You bet your ass. It’s the people that refuse to acknowledge the hurt they have caused, those people are the ones that need to be let go, family or not.
Vampirical Energy
Relationships are an exchange of energy, and sometime we can find ourselves in circumstances where all we do is give and all the other person does is take. The suck all the energy out of the room, but more importantly, out of us. Those people are called energy vampires. They have very low levels of emotional maturity, and can often feel as though the whole world revolves around them. In their head, it does. They have no qualms about preying on others in a poor attempt to heal their own inner wounding. In reality they aren’t actually helping themselves at all, and they can prove to be extremely toxic to be around.
If you are anything like me, than you may have come to realize that you were surrounded by energy vampires. They do love to prey on compassionate people who have yet to learn how to set their own boundaries. They often feel as though you are on this earth to solve their problems, when in fact it is them who is responsible for dealing with their own pain points. On the contrary we can sometimes come to the conclusion that we are the energy vampire in the group. I did this in my own personal relationships, often playing the victim of my circumstances. It took a ton of inner child healing and reflection on my own part to begin to take responsibility for my life.
There was so much ugly crying, not just for the pain of all that I have endured, but also for the harm that I’ve caused others. Before I could even begin to make amends with those people, I have to learn how to forgive myself. Forgiveness doesn’t condone said behaviors, but it does take one of the two arrows out of the wound. I have also learned that not everyone deserves forgiveness, mainly those that refuse to acknowledge their part in a given situation. Most of us will find ourselves in a situation at some point where we were the asshole. True friends and family will understand a few fuck ups here and there, as long as you try to do better in the future. We do all make mistakes.
Getting Taken Down a Pedestal
My therapist taught me that we hold people on pedestals. When we are children, our parents are on the very top; they are essentially godlike in our eyes. Eventually, as we get older, the person on that top tier should be yourself. That is the whole job of the parent, to teach their children how to be the best versions of themselves that they can be, thus shifting themselves down a peg or two. We no longer rely on them for our survival at this point. When you are trauma-bonded though, this doesn’t always happen. Children live out their lives according to their parents’ values and wishes and not our own, which can lead to a messy road of addiction in order to numb the pain of not living from our truest self. And a ton of resentment to boot.
There are ways to determine for yourself whether or not a relationship is toxic. Then it becomes a conscious decision whether or not you want to continue said relationship, or maybe just move on with your life. “People inspire you, or they drain you—pick them wisely” (Hans F. Hansen). This type of discernment is one that I would have loved to learn much earlier in life. It would have saved me a ton of heartbreak and confusion, but alas here we are. I will be honest, when you begin this type of work, this type of boundary setting, people are going to test you at every level. At first it will feel like you are being the meanest person in the world, but you must remember that boundaries are meant to keep the good in and the bad out. It isn’t a cruel punishment for the other person, even though they will do everything in their power to make you feel that way.
We are all selfish to an extent. The healthy version of that looks like getting your needs met, working toward your own goals, and spending your hard-earned money on the things that make your life experience better. At the same time, being called selfish can really smart. We can look to the Four of Pentacles as a tarot anchor for this season of our lives. “Gaining control of your doorway – who comes in and who stays out” is the ultimate invitation of this card. This my friends is something we can actually control. In a world where so much is out of our hands, let’s be the guardians of our own hearts and only grant those access who actually deserve it.
Mad love, Jenna
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