Success is often defined in our society by our ability to make money and reach the top of whatever ladder we are trying to climb. As I’ve gotten older, and dare I say wiser, I have learned to unravel this kind of thinking. The first time I came up against this was in college when they placed me in the wrong department for the second time. At that point I was so annoyed with school in general that I just stayed in the program I was in just so I could finish and claim that little piece of paper that deemed me worthy in the eyes of others. The second time was when I decided to walk away from the restaurant industry after chasing that dream for twenty years. To some people that decision would have seemed like a failure on my part, like I couldn’t hack it in that career path. The truth is that I simply didn’t want it anymore.
It seems we meet again, this desire to shed layers that no longer serve the person that I am, the person who I want to become. How do you convey the emotions that you feel when standing in front of something as simple as a metal pole? The climb has challenged me in a whole new way, and I don’t mean the physical aspects of it. I can do that. That’s the easy part. The question I have is this: what am I supposed to do when I get there?
People congratulate you when you reach the upper echelons of society, and they look down on you when you are at the bottom. I can tell you from personal experience that the top can be an awfully sad and lonely place to be, especially in the ways that our culture expects us to get there. From the outside looking in I appeared successful, but on the inside I was miserable. I hated myself and the person I was becoming. I was angry, mainly at myself for allowing it all to go as far as I did.
There are most certainly things that I regret in my past, apologies that I may never get to give to people, amends that I may never get to make. These types of things do wear on my heart. I care more than most people realize. Have I forgiven myself? I would say mostly.
I’m back on the bottom of life, and I can tell you that I am the happiest I’ve ever been. People seem to think that starting over is a bad thing, but I have found it to be one of the most rewarding times in my life. These are the moments when you really get to know who you are on a deeper level. This is where you can really see what you are capable of.
By definition the word levitate means “to rise or float in the air, especially as a result of a supernatural power that overcomes gravity.” After four weeks of climbing up and down this damn metal pole that I have grown so fond of, I do have an answer to my initial question of what I do when I get to the top. I listen to the squeak of my thighs as I slide all the way down to the bottom, because that is the only place left to go.
My pole instructor said one thing during our classes together that really stuck with me. She meant it as a lesson on the physical aspects of climbing the pole, but it works for life outside of the studio as well. You push until you can’t push anymore, and then you pull. We all have the potential to overcome whatever is standing in the way of our dreams. I have found more often than not, that the person standing in our own way is ourselves.
Mad love, Jenna
