Riding my motorcycle,
The wind running through my hair,
I went over an enormous bump
And went soaring through the air.
I landed on my head,
Blood was running down my face.
An ambulance drove toward me.
I felt extremely out of place.
A man looked down at where I was
And described the scene to me.
I guess that living longer
Wasn't how it's supposed to be.
-Fate, by Jennifer Pleasants Yolton
I wrote that poem in high school, during a semester in Creative Writing. I don’t even know where it came from really. I have never even ridden a motorcycle. I do know why I remembered it today though. I watched a Ted Talk by Tim Ferriss, Why You Should Define Your Fears Instead of Your Goals. It reminded me of this poem, but it also helped put a couple pieces of the puzzle together. (Me, guys, I am the puzzle.)
The number one thing my therapist asks me during session is, “What are you so afraid of?” I usually ramble about all the reasons I should be afraid, and half the time she says, “So what!?” Then I start crying because I know deep down that she is right.
So what? I am doing it to myself the vast majority of the time. Light bulb! This is a big freaking deal! I am the source of the majority of my own anxieties!
There! I said it. It’s my fault. I start up the What-If Rollercoaster of Thoughts and end up hyperventilating and crying. I am getting much better at pulling myself out of this cyclical thinking, but I really need to get better at preventing these thoughts from taking control over me.
Fear Itself
So what is fear exactly? One definition I came across says fear is the anticipation that something is going to happen, and it needs to be prepared for. The number one fear in this world is the fear of separation. Sometimes fear is a good thing. For example if there is a threat to your life, your health, or your wellbeing, or to that of someone you care about. However, most of the time (especially with me) this is not the case. Most of the time it is just a story I have created in my head. (Oh! The Stories We Tell Ourselves.)
Brene Brown spoke of fear in her book Daring Greatly. She says that the antidote to fear is vulnerability. The problem with vulnerability is that it takes an enormous amount of courage. Baby steps. I have come to realize within myself that I have to take things very slowly. Otherwise I get completely overwhelmed; and then I just shut down. Nothing gets done.
It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking, than it is to think yourself into a new way of acting.
Millard Fuller
Now that I have this newfound awareness of myself, the next step I need to take is action. Otherwise I will have learned nothing. I will stay stuck in this place of anxiousness and fear forever. Without conscious action on my part, I am hindering my own personal and emotional development. This is a place of victimhood. I chose not to remain here.
Personally I don’t want to be one of those people who are on their deathbeds with regrets about the things they never did. I want to be able to say that at least I tried. I may have fucked it up a few times (which I am sure I will continue to do from time to time), but at least I gave it all i had. The people who truly love me will forgive my minor discretions.
Fear-Setting
Tim Ferriss speaks of Fear-Setting in terms of define, prevent, repair. Then he goes on to determine the benefits of an attempt or partial success and compares them to the cost of inaction. Think of it as a pro/con list for your fears instead of your goals.
DBT teaches Check the Facts. Marsha Linehan says “Changing your beliefs and assumptions to fit the facts can help you change your emotional reactions to situations.” Here is how DBT does it:
- Identify what you are really feeling.
- Acknowledge and appreciate your emotions.
- Get curious about the message.
- Get confident.
- Get certain you can handle the situation.
- Take action.
The other side of this is asking yourself would acting on this emotion be effective. I screamed at the lady at Lowe’s because she wouldn’t give me back my deposit on a propane tank. Did I feel good? Yes. Did I get what I wanted? No. Did I make an ass out of myself? Yes. That poor lady did not deserve that. She was just doing her job.
Unfortunately my fear of public speaking will eventually need to be tended to. I am still trying to unravel that mess with my therapist. Baby steps.
Litany Against Fear
I must not fear.
Fear in the mind-killer.
Fear is the death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
-Bene Gesserit, Dune
When you begin to label and break apart your fears, they start to crumble away. Dust in the wind. Unless a bear is actually chasing you, it will probably be okay. I can’t even begin to tell you how many panic attacks I have had that have turned out to be absolutely nothing. Now that I have got it in my head that I am doing all of this to myself, I can’t just sit here and wait for my heart to catch up. I have to take action, and have faith that it eventually will.
XOXO – Jenna
