Just before Ben and I got married, the officiant looked at both of us and and told us the secret to a happy life together. “Just be kind to each other,” she said. It sounds so simple really, but boy is it not so easy to do. We get triggered by other people’s words. That old sticks and stones phrase is complete and utter bullshit. Words absolutely do hurt, and the mental health fallout from that can sometimes be even more damaging than say – getting blown up in a food truck. Believe.
We interact with people literally everyday. Not always in person, but our lives are completely enmeshed, which makes it imperative that we as a society learn how to communicate with each other. And by that I mean, not screaming at each other. That, my friend, is the exact opposite of effective.
Think about the last time someone yelled at you, and I mean really raged on you. Did you give a shit what they were saying, or were you too busy trying to protect yourself from the onslaught of spittle spraying you in the face? My guess is that both parties came out of the conflict hurt, confused, and pretty much no further along than where they started. Possibly the two parties are now even worse off than they were before.
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Many of our conversations center around one thing – accomplishing a goal, or more specifically getting someone to do what you want them to do. We want results! And we are willing to do whatever it takes to get them. The problem with our male-dominated society is that we try to succeed in this life by forcing our way through it, leaving a trail of misery in our wake. Hurt people hurt people, so the saying goes.
I have 100% been on both sides of that equation. I have played the victim card (for far too long probably), and I have unleashed my rapture onto others. I have also recently had to make some extremely (for me) firm stances with not allowing others to do that same thing to me. Boundaries are super difficult for me as a recovering doormat. I have a very hard time standing up for myself. It’s a whole thing that I am actively working on.
Yeah I know, it’s complicated realizing that you are both the prey and the bully. What else is new? Sometimes when you get down to it, you realize that maybe you haven’t been acting like the person you want to be. We shove ourselves into these little pre-prescribed boxes, without thinking about whether or not it is what we actually want. They! Them! You got yourself into this mess, now it’s time to get yourself out of it.
Rainbow Connections
People who love you are going to hurt you. Sometimes they mean to, and sometimes they don’t. A lot of the time people are just acting out of fear, and that can get turned into a hostile blitz. That’s the fight response, the others being flight, freeze, and fawn. I am pretty sure that I have done all of them at various stages of my life. It’s what we do when we feel unsafe in a certain situation. Our lizard brains will find a way to protect itself.
The flip side of this is that we thrive on connecting with our fellow humans. It’s actually wired into our survival. Did you know that we aren’t actually supposed to do this life thing alone? Biologically speaking it we needed to be with others to procreate in order to advance the population. Technology and science have advanced us enough to the point where we don’t need that specific type of interaction, and some of us don’t want to do that baby making thing. However we do need to be around other people, something I feel 2020 really showed us.
I love my people. They are a small group these days, but I am quite okay with that. I am finding that I don’t actually like most people. I am also learning to be okay with the fact that some people don’t like me. I can’t say I blame all of them. I have caused harm. Whether I knew it at the time or not no longer matters. It’s this whole learning to love yourself even when you fuck it up, because let’s face it, who isn’t fucking it up all day long. I know I am. I just keep trying to do better.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Therapy has a way of making you realize that you are a part of the problem. And by you, I mean me. I was letting my emotions run the show. I had no clue that emotions weren’t supposed to do that. News to me. Don’t do that. Don’t be like Jenna.
I still worry about what other people think, every damn day in fact. I have to constantly tell the critic inside my head to shut the fuck up. Jay Sherman is not in charge here. And the mom from Stephen King’s Carrie, I hear that woman’s voice from the movie all the time. “They’re all going to laugh at you.” And they do. And so do I. Dark humor is a favorite coping strategy of mine. If I can’t laugh at things, I don’t know how I would get through the day actually.
I have two big takeaways for you: Number one. How do you want to feel about yourself? Ask that question daily. The results will shock you. Number two. How do you want your people to feel when the interaction is over? I don’t want anyone to feel drained after being with me. I try really hard not to be a burden actually. Oh crap! Now we are getting back into people-pleasing territory. Thank god for the Libra sun in me. This life is all about balance.
Mad love, Jenna
