As I sit down to write this post, I am feeling frustrated and I am crying. It is the day before this blog post is scheduled to be out, and I am overwhelmed. There are so many emotions rolling around inside, and my thoughts are set to autofire. These thoughts are telling me, “Why bother? No one reads it anyway.” My heart, however, is pulsating “Write it. Write it.”
There is a major fight going on in my body, as I am getting pulled in opposite directions. One moment I am compelled to write and tell my story. The very next moment I am feeling discouraged and resentful.
I am constantly putting this passion of mine on the backburner in lieu of helping others. If you are my friend, and you need me, I will drop everything for you. Even to my own detriment. Because if I don’t I will feel guilty. Even to the detriment of my true passion. Because this doesn’t make any money. Because this is just a “hobby.”
Stories of the Head & Heart
Ben and I sat and talked for a few minutes, and he tossed back everything I always tell him when he feels frustrated and overwhelmed. “You don’t have to feel guilty. Let it go. It’s okay.” I know all of these things in my head, but my heart tells a different story.
My heart tells me to put myself out there. My head tells me to be afraid, because people might judge me. My heart tells me that this is my purpose in life, to write. My head tells me to get a job, make money. My heart tells me to stop saying yes to people all the time. My head makes me feel guilty if I do.
There are days when I feel like a failure, because my anxiety got the best of me. There are days where it all just seems like too much. Today is one of those days. It’s my own internal fight with myself. So as Ben and I sat here, he looked at me and goes, “There is your blog post.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Lao Tzu
Somewhere along the therapy path that I have taken, it has taken on a whole new level. Learning about myself and my past, and then facing my personal traumas is imperative for my own personal development. It has opened up my eyes to the myriad of ways that we as humans have labelled ourselves, and then distorted our views of reality.
This conversation we had reminded me of a realization about myself that I came to during a therapy session: I am really good at being number two, and I am terrified of being number one. I had to sit on this for a while to really dissect what that means. My conclusion: this is a really shitty way to see yourself. Second thought: why do I continually put myself second?
To be perfectly honest, I am not really sure. I do see different ways in my life that I have been put in the number two position whether through acts of my own or the labels of others. In high school I was Jeff’s Sister, and I hated it. (Funny, I don’t mind that one so much anymore.) I have been the second in charge of two different restaurants, and became quite successful at it. I found myself hating that too.
Labels & Worth
Ben posed an additional question for me: When am I going to start putting myself first? This is a difficult one to answer, mainly because I don’t think there is one clear answer. It seems that it circles back around to self-worth. And that sets a completely new tone.
I am a people-pleaser, and I tie my validation of self-worth in that. Therefore, I try to be everything to everyone all the time. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting and I am over it. That’s why I was really successful at being the number two all the time. It pleases other people. I, however, found myself completely miserable.
At some point (and I am not quite sure when) I just said that I had had enough. Enough of doing what everyone else wants me to do. Enough of not doing what I really wanted to do. Easier said than done.
It’s not solely about rewiring your neural pathways. (See more about that on this post.) You have to change the way you talk to yourself. But not only that, you actually have to believe it.
To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Those mantras, affirmations, quips, and clever quotes don’t mean shit unless you actually take them to heart and incorporate them into your life. For me that means getting out of my comfort zone. It means putting my words out there even if my inlaws (Love you guys!) are the only ones who read them. It means finding the strength inside to say yes to myself.
I have dreams that I want to accomplish. I cannot accomplish them if I am concentrating on other people over myself. The funny part about the situation is that the whole point of me wanting to start this blog was to help other people not feel so isolated on their own mental health journey.
XOXO – Jenna
