I'm not a complete idiot. I get it now. Yeah, it took a while.
I’ve learned that about myself. It takes me a while to fully grasp things sometimes. I have to study it from all angles. I want to make sure I get it right. That’s been my problem all along. I was always looking to do the right thing, be the right type of person, that I forgot how to be a decent human.
I was so caught up in the whirlwind of shoulds that I hurt people that I truly cared about. I have lost so many of those people in my life trying so hard. I got it all wrong. I realize the mistakes that I have made. I guess I have just come to the point in my life where I need to stop shooting myself.
Tara Brach calls it the second arrow. We fuck up, and then we shame ourselves about how we fucked it up. I stayed stuck there for a really long time. My therapist helped me see things that I had never seen before. Things I was doing to myself. She told me I could be free, if I chose that path. I wanted to believe her so badly.
I feel more free now than I ever have before.
I made so many mistakes. I have forgiven myself for many of them. I am still working on a few. I fired people I shouldn’t have. I didn’t fire people I should have. I ruled by the whims of another, not fully grasping what that actually meant in the grand scheme of things. I even dressed the part!
Unlike the Sheriff of Nottingham, I am learning my lessons. I failed deeply, and I am learning to do better.
Mad love, Jenna
