We all know that life has a tendency to turn us on our heads, often without warning, which can leave us feeling all types of ways. The unexpected is scary, the situations we find ourselves in may not always be pleasant, and the end result doesn’t necessarily look like we thought it was going to. Hanging upside down from a metal pole has made me realize that there are ways in which we consciously throw ourselves into these unseen spaces, ways in which we can change the tides of our own lives, all while being held in a controlled atmosphere, much like traditional therapy does. While it may look a little different than sitting on a couch next to a pile of snotty tissues, the lessons are still within our grasp. We simply have to be willing to take a hold of them.
It takes a lot of effort on our part to be willing to throw ourselves into these spaces. We have to be willing to pit ourselves against our own selves. And lot of times we are being confronted with things we don’t like about ourselves, which can leave us feeling somewhat ashamed and overcritical. “When humans are turned on by something that their conscious mind doesn’t deem acceptable, they will block that turn-on from their own awareness by automatically covering it up with a display of offense and disgust” (Freud). We get so caught up in how we are presented to the outside world, in how others regard us, that we forget that we are actually supposed to like ourselves.
The counter to this lies in asking ourselves one basic question: What gets your juices flowing? And I mean this both literally and figuratively. What lights you up on the inside? What makes your dick twitch, your panties wet? Dance has always been this lifeline for me, one that I forgot about for a while but managed to circle back to later in life. And I know that words have a tendency to do things to me. Maybe it’s the writer in me, but certain phrases will definitely make my nipples stand at attention. We demonize these things, thinking they are somehow wrong or shameful, when we should be investigating them, possibly even embracing them.
Jumping into the deep end of the pool isn’t always the best nor is it the safest way to explore ourselves in this regard. What you are witnessing here is very much a leap of logic, as all of these moves began from a position of me lying on the floor next to the pole. It’s that whole cliche of having to learn to crawl before you can walk. I had to learn how to climb before I could fly.
Changing your orientation changes your thinking. I tell you this only as a witness to myself. Hanging upside down from a metal pole makes you forget your lefts and rights. You forget about all the ways in which you typically interact with the world, which can be like an incredible mind fuck. The result of working though this strengthens not only that one leg holding me up on the pole, but also allows you to see how the programming has completely taken over. In order to grow and evolve (and not fall on our heads) we have to challenge these thoughts. We don’t necessarily have to change them, simply recognizing the patterns is often enough to get us to at the very least question their reason for existing in the first place.
Some of this is meant to keep us safe and safety is important, but some of it is to keep us small and obedient. It’s this weird combination of individualism and conformity at play here. We are supposed to be ourselves, but not too much lest we disrupt the status quo. These things are useful to a point, and we can grow out of them. I would suggest that much of the time we should, and I hate that word, but the point remains.
I have been living in a way these. past few years that most would find uncomfortable and that many find immoral. I am a sex worker, and that fact has people thinking all sorts of things about me. I am beloved and hated. I am both idolized and also a whore. Honestly I probably fall somewhere, like most, in the in between. I hear it and disregard it for the most part, as people’s opinions of me aren’t actually any of my business.
I know I have a tendency to live out loud more than most. I do, however, believe we all toy with this inside our brains. I can’t be the only one, right? Right?! We have this desire to express ourselves more authentically while at the same time wanting to feel secure in our bodies. None of this is wrong or bad, just like what I do isn’t necessarily either. People will always demonize the things that they don;t understand and the things within themselves that they wish would go away,
Believe it or not there are parts of myself that I choose not to share with the rest of the world. I find value in being open about my life and myself, and for the most part I have had positive experiences in living this way. I will say though, the unseen is just as valuable as the witnessed. It’s up to us to discern where we want to fall on that particular spectrum.
Mad love, Jenna
