There are so very many dimensions to being a human. We try to lump ourselves into various categories, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing at getting it right. I hesitate to even use that word as it is filled with a weight of its own that means so many different things to so many different people. I can only speak about what it means for me, for my morals, and for my dignity.
People like to say that what I choose to do with my life is undignified, shameful, and to be frowned upon. In my life experience it hasn’t really made much of a difference in what people think of me as they have always thought of me as less than for the choices that I have made. I suppose that is what it means to be a woman, always carrying the unrealistic sins of a girl who ate a piece of fruit from the tree of life. We spend years of our lives trying to shake it off and come back to ourselves only to realize that the obstacles are not all of our own doing.
We hide from our shadows instead of dancing with them and bringing them into the light. I was that sweet little girl for far too long. Now that I am more older, more grounded in myself, there is another dimension of me that has emerged. It’s a feral energy, one that i’m still learning how to control. It’s why I keep it curtailed to certain spaces, to certain people. It’s a type of magic that needs to be harnessed, to be used wisely, and with intention and purpose.
For when you learn how to properly play with your shadow, you may no longer need it.
There is still a soft, sensual dimension to my nature. I don’t think that will go away, nor do I want to. I love the part about myself that loves big, even though it can sometimes cause such great heartache. At times it feels worth it to dip your toe into something, maybe even go for a dive if the water feels right. It’s feels scary. But so does living a life with regrets of what could have been.
The truth is that I like the attention. I like feeling sexy. I like being wanted. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have no desire to be the meek woman that society tells me I should be.
No one is really paying attention anyway.
Much like with my writing my dances try to convey a story, an emotion, a feeling that I’m trying to convey. I may not always get it right, but it does feel that way in the moment. And isn’t that all we have really? Moments stringed together to blend into something we call life, something we call fulfillment, something we call art.
There are times when I let it speak for me and there are times when I use it to say something that matters to me. This is to say that while it is pretty in and of itself, it is not always for anyone but me to understand. As much as I fancy myself a writer, some things cannot be explained through words alone. They need to be felt.
Some people are going to love what you create, some people are going to hate it, and some of them are going to learn how to hate you in the process. I lost a lot of friends when I chose to pursue this path in life. What I gained was far more valuable though. I found myself.
