Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

I was standing in the back of the kitchen screaming at my husband in complete tunnel vision mode. I knew logically that this was a terrible idea, and that I should probably stop. But I couldn’t stop. It was like all of the anger and hurt and fear just couldn’t be contained anymore. I am not proud of this moment (or any of the others for that matter).

Yes, it happened numerous times. My husband is thankfully quite the forgiving man. I also made the decision to go to therapy. My behavior wasn’t right. Never in a million years did I think that I would be that person, the person who takes all of their hurt and just throw it all over someone else. But that is exactly what I did. I hurt my best friend, my lover, the person who I go to when I am hurt.

So what do I do now? I texted my Rachel. Rachel is the person I have known for the longest who is not a blood member of my family. She is the person I can call out of nowhere and cry because something terrible happened, and I don’t know who else to turn to. She is one of my very best friends, and she will always give it to me straight.

Next thing you know I am sitting in the waiting room of Old Towne Counseling Services waiting to meet my new therapist. (This would be number 2 on my journey.) By the second appointment we had come to the conclusion that I had a problem with emotional regulation, combined with PTSD and undiagnosed ADHD. Well shit.

I ended up having to go to a totally different therapy office, one that specializes in trauma. It was there that I learned about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT teaches people how to manage distress without acting destructively or losing control. I was definitely losing it, and it was absolutely destroying my relationships. I couldn’t keep following this path, or else I was going to lose myself completely and everything that I held so dear to my heart.

Emotions Don’t Just Go Away

We are taught to be mindful, mindful of the needs of others, mindful of this, mindful of that, but we aren’t really taught how to be mindful of ourselves. Mindfulness is a skill that I completely missed learning. I learned to give myself up to everyone and everything around me. I learned how to stuff my emotions and pretend everything was ‘fine.’ No big surprise there, I wasn’t.

You know how when you shake up a soda, the bubbles overflow. And no matter how quickly you try to put the cap back on, it just keeps going all over the place. It’s like trying to put a lid on a volcano, you just can’t. That’s what happened to me. I supposed, eventually all of those emotions need somewhere to go. I needed to empty my emotional garbage can.

It was just too much to handle on my own. I needed some serious help with all of these exploding emotions. Why do I have all of these emotions? What are they for anyway? Why can’t I just be happy? (Yes, these are actual questions I asked my therapist.) This bitch (I say that in the most loving way possible) had an answer for everything!

Basically emotions are very intense feelings that often involve a physical and mental response. And a feeling is any subjective reaction or state that is characterized by an emotional response. Emotions are completely involuntary, and they are telling us to do something. (DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha Linehan) Whether we do something good or bad with that emotion is up to us.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

This is not something that we are taught in school. Are our parents supposed to teach us this? Mine sure didn’t. I am not even sure most adults know this stuff to be honest with you. I sure as shit didn’t. I learned a whole lot about IQ. I learned some big words for a few tests. I learned how to sit in a desk and stay quiet. I learned how to keep my head down, and to stay in the middle lane. That was the ‘normal’ route to take.

It will make you successful, they said. You will make money and prosper. All of your dreams will come true. I checked all of those goddamned boxes, and none of that shit happened. I was ‘successful’ in a sense (someone else’s not mine). I had money, but I wasn’t prospering. I was slowly dying on the inside, because none of my dreams were coming true. How could they? I never even told anyone what they were, myself included.

I kept them all in protective bubble wrap, hidden away for no one to see. It was for their own protection, mind you. I couldn’t let them out for the world to see. They would ruin these dreams of mine. What I didn’t realize was that hiding them away was ruining me. I was Smeagol in The Lord of the Rings (my precious), and the ring was the part of me that I was hiding.

I was scared. I still am, and that is the truth. I am not sure that will ever change. The thing that has changed is I do it anyway. I mean, it’s not easy. It’s hard as fuck actually, and I mess up royally more often than not. I still try though. This life is supposed to be a bit messy I think. Perfect is boring.

The Second Arrow

When I asked my therapist why we have all of these stupid emotions anyway, I knew I was being dramatic. I was completely overwhelmed, and I just needed a break from all the hard. Her response: Could you imagine if we just all walked around emotionless? Life would be so blah, and nothing would get done.

Remember earlier when I said that emotions propel us into action. This is how we affect change on ourselves and on the world. The problem is that we judge ourselves for our emotions. Tara Brach calls this the second arrow. We have all of these emotions, and then we shoot ourselves again when we have ‘bad’ emotions. It’s not an easy habit to break. We have been conditioned into believing these things are true when they aren’t, that emotions are good or bad. True or false. Left or right. Maury’s detector has determined that was a lie.

What if we tried something else? Took the road less traveled, so they say? What if we stopped shooting ourselves with that second arrow. What if, instead, we stopped to heal that initial wound first? It’s that whole slowing down thing again that I suck at.

I am like my four year-old nephew. I like to run myself into the ground until I pass out. Just ask Ben. He has to move me from the couch to the bed every night, and I can’t remember the last time we finished a movie in one sitting. This is terrible advice, and I don’t recommend it.

Mad love, Jenna