When I was a little girl I spent a lot of time at the Science Museum of Virginia. My dad worked there, and anytime we got a day off of school I went to work with him. I loved spending days there with him, especially around the holidays. They had the entire place done up in decorations from all over the globe!
When you first walk in the doors of the museum, you will notice a giant pendulum (Dad says it weighs 16 tons!) hanging from the ceiling. It slowly swings back and forth knocking over these little pegs as they cross its path. The pendulum completes its full rotation in 24 hours. This means that everyday, someone has to get in there and set up all the pegs to start it all over again.
My dad always asked me to set the pegs back up. (And don’t get hit by the pendulum!) It was my job those days, and I thought it was the coolest. I did get yelled at one time from a new employee for climbing into the fenced off area. I ran back to my dad’s office crying. I didn’t have the courage to explain that I was supposed to be there.
Sunday Dinners
I was with someone for a very long time, and we used to have Sunday dinner at his parents’ house every week. (I took this opportunity to take our laundry over there too, since we didn’t have a washer and dryer in our apartment.) And every week we would have filet mignon.
Now don’t get me wrong; I love a good steak. I just don’t want a steak that is cooked to the point of shoe leather. After a few months I just couldn’t handle the overdone steak anymore. However, being the people-pleaser than I am, I couldn’t simply request another dinner. I couldn’t possible ruffle any feathers and upset the status quo.
I stopped eating red meat. Yep. You read that correctly. I stopped eating red meat because I didn’t want to upset anyone by telling them that I didn’t want to eat their cooking. And I didn’t eat it for 11 years. Ridiculous! I know! This is extremely unhealthy behavior. I essentially changed my whole lifestyle because I was unable to stand up for myself.
The Disease to Please
Do you see a pattern forming yet? I am what you would call a people-pleaser. I try so hard to show people that I care about them, in hopes that they will care for me in return. More often than not, to the detriment of myself. The two biggest lessons I am learning right now is:
1. I shouldn’t have to “buy” people’s love. Period.
2. The ones who do reciprocate, do they actually care about me or are they doing it because I gave them something? And if so, are these really the people I need or want in my life?
I have come to the realization that people-pleasing only leads to resentment and loneliness. You resent others for not responding the way you wanted them. And the only time you find rest from people-pleasing is when you are alone.
The way through this for me seems to be through meditative contemplation, and moving into self-acceptance. During this process I have started to really ask myself, “Who am I? Who do I want to be?”
I have spent my whole life trying not to be inconvenient, trying to be quiet and unassuming. But I have come to a point in my life where I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to do what I want to do. The truth is: I am afraid of that too, the judgement. Why do I care so much? And how do I stop being such a chicken?
Walls
A barrier is a wall put up in anger, fear, and judgements. This has been my action plan for the majority of my life. And if I couldn’t put a wall up, I would burn the relationship to the ground.
I have run away and restarted quite a few times in my life, boyfriends and jobs alike. But this just isn’t serving me anymore. I realize now that I have hurt a lot of people with this type of behavior. This isn’t the person that I want to be anymore. I can do better. I am better.
A boundary is an agreement of respect for both sides. Boundaries essentially are all about what you allow into your space.
Boundaries allow you to love others better.
Madison Hedlund
When people first learn how to set boundaries, the pendulum can swing far into the other direction. People tend to go to the extremes; there is no middle ground. It either black or white, right or left. The part I am struggling with now is how to live in that grey area.
How do you just live in the now and let things go? I am slowly coming to the realization that I don’t really have control over much of what happens in my life. The thing that I can control is my response to it. I guess this is what they mean by surrendering.
XOXO – Jenna
