I have spent a large portion of my life trying to escape my body. I did it through dissociation as a child and then drugs as an adult, only to realize that the answers that I have been seeking are held with that same body I have been so desperately trying to avoid. We all do this to some extent throughout our lives, some going to more extremes than others and many never finding their way back home to themselves.
These last few years have been a journey of me coming to terms with myself in ways that I never really could before, in ways that I never really wanted to before now. I was miserable, but I was comfortable in my despair. I knew that place very well. We humans tend to fear change, so much so that we stymie ourselves, we block our own progress.
Part of the reason we do this is because we don’t want to have to face our own demons. We don’t want to relive those traumatic parts of our lives, the ones that got us stuck in the first place. It can be painful, especially doing it on your own, which I don’t actually recommend. We need people to guide us through these moments, to help to see that there is light on the other side of it all, that there is something greater for us out there.
I told someone once that I never really saw myself as a sexual being until recently, and that is because I held onto a lot of trauma surrounding that aspect of my life. There were things that happened to me that I never really dealt with, mostly because I was scared of reopening those wounds. I was scared that by bringing them back to the surface that I would lose myself in them again. I didn’t want to relive my childhood again. And then you begin the journey of unraveling it all and you realize that the only way out is through.
Getting back into your own body after years of distraction is not an easy task to undergo. I still have a difficult time some days. I still cry out like a child that I don’t want to do it, except now I do it anyway. I do it knowing that the little girl inside of me needs it, more so than the adult in me that wants another hit.
Our society teaches us to outsource everything, including knowledge of ourselves. We are taught that those in higher positions know what is best for us, so we blindly follow the masses like the sheep that we are. It takes a great amount of courage and strength to go against the mold that they have put us all in, which is really what coming back to yourself is all about. How do we go about removing the blindfolds from our own eyes? The answer is different for everybody. Mine is currently found at the bottom of a metal pole. This is where I can now come to terms with myself, but in a much different way than before.
Mad love, Jenna
