I used to live on dreams and fairytales of a knight in his white shining armor coming to save me from the hell in which I was born. Like most Disney princesses all I had to do was keep my head down, and to remain pure and good for as long as I can, the promise being that he would come find me and that we would ride off together in a fancy carriage, me donned in that sacred white dress of marriage. It took me years to untangle all of this and to understand that there are alternative ways to living, and other ways to get your needs met.
I was what one would call a serial monogamist, jumping from one long term relationship to another with no substantial breaks in between. My identity began to conform to whomever I was with, hoping and praying that they would love me enough to take me away, to take me with them to some far off land. Only then would I find true happiness. It sounds like the story of a young girl, but it is one that I carried with me into adulthood.
I have had a physical attraction to women for as long as I can remember. I kept it to myself for years thinking it was wrong to have those feelings, thinking that it somehow made me a bad person. I shoved all of it away into some deep place inside of me, hiding it from the outside world, hoping I would forget that it was even there. It was easy to hide in heteronormative relationships, as I always did like men as well. That part of me was never in question. It fit nicely into what our society said I should be, who I should be. So I played that role.
I am still looked down upon for my decision to use the term Bisexual, even amongst the LGBTQIA+ community. I have been told that I just haven’t made up my mind yet, or that I’m just experimenting and that I’ll pick one or the other at some point. To me it feels a lot like when I decided that I didn’t want children. People told me that I would eventually change my mind, that one day I would want them because that’s how women are programmed to be. We are seen as not capable of making decisions for ourselves on our own, that it is in our nature to want to be a mother, and the only way to do that is to be with a man.
I did find love in a man, so much so that I married him. At the time I hadn’t even admitted to him that I was Bisexual. I never really did come out in some grand fashion like some do, mostly because it just didn’t really feel necessary. I was in a monogamous relationship, taking all other options off the table, so there really wasn’t any point. He saved me. I had gotten what I wanted. That’s what I told myself at the time, not realizing that years down the line I would be having an entirely new conversation.
Watching my mom spend a lifetime caring for my ailing father helped me to come to the conclusion that one person cannot be your everything. I watched her martyr herself and sacrifice her own life to care for one man, and that is something I would never want for myself or my partner. This is not to say I would leave him when things got tough or that I wouldn’t care for him in the same way, because that simply isn’t the type of person I am. I am not one who can close my heart so easily to another, the exact opposite actually. I am a person who has a lot of love to give to this world, something I believe we could all use a little more of.
I don’t hold any animosity about how my mother handled the situation, not anymore. She did the best she could with the life that she was given, for both her and my dad. Sometimes I just wish she had another person there with her, to hold her hand and be with her through this struggle. This is the reason I became interested in the concept of polyamory, not because I want to have sex with a bunch of people as some like to think. It’s more emotional for me than physical in nature.
The reality of the situation is that they both relied on my brother and I to hold that space for them, something that I truly don’t think should have been put on us in the first place. We were merely children, and I am saddened to say that I lost a lot of my childhood having all of this added responsibility piled on me, things that I never asked for. I was called mature for my age and I was called a good daughter, but on the inside I was a confused and utterly defeated little girl. This is what my life is going to be like?
Our natural human inclination is to live in community, ones that are beneficial to all parties involved. Centuries of control shrouded in the veil of Christianity and Capitalism have made us all believe otherwise. It has made us conform to the idea that monogamy is the right way to love, which may be true for some. I am not going to sit here and say this lifestyle is for everyone. I know many who do not have the emotional intelligence to have multiple intimate relationships at one time, and I know many others who simply do not want it. And that’s perfectly fine! For me personally though, I needed more. Thus the question became, how can I get my needs met without ruining what I already have? I said my vows, and I will honor them.
There are many layers to being polyamory, and I am still trying to figure out where I sit along this spectrum. My partner (I hate the term husband as it stems from the word husbandry, and I am nobody’s heifer.) is monogamous and has made it very clear that he is not interested in opening up our relationship in a physical sense. I respect that in its entirety and have never stepped out on him in this aspect. I don’t go out on dates with others, and I don’t have sexual interactions with anyone in my real life. I do, however, have emotional relations with others.
How does this work? The short answer is with very clear and upfront communication on all levels. I am very clear about that fact that I could never be physical with them, that it could only be from the heart. In these parameters I have been both rejected and I have also formed some amazing bonds with people who understand what I am able to give. Not everybody is okay with being so close to me, yet never being able to touch me. While others, I have found, are looking for exactly that same thing that I am, companionship. Would I like to have physical relationships with others? The truth is that, yes I would. We all make our own sacrifices throughout our lives, and this one is mine.
Mad love, Jenna
