I’m sad. I’ve been that way for a bit now. I can see it in the pictures that I take. I am smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I’ve been here before. This is nothing new. I am just so overwhelmed right now.
I’ve gone back to my morning pages recently as a way to focus my thoughts. It’s easier for me to understand things when they are all written down as opposed to a big jumble in my brain.
My therapist (number 3 to be exact) recommended this book to me, and I still come back to them to this day. I don’t do it everyday, but when I am truly struggling with something emotional taxing, those three pages are everything to me.
My Morning Pages
It’s nothing fancy. I buy those cheap composition notebooks from the grocery store. I do have a thing about using an actual pencil, not a mechanical pencil, one you actually have to sharpen. I even splurged in 2020 and bought myself an electric pencil sharpener because it made me happy. Sometimes I just need a quick dopamine fix to get started.
Somewhere along this road we call life, I forgot how to play. I forgot how to create. I got so caught up in following that career path, keeping up with the Joneses, whatever the hell we are calling it these days. I wanted to be good, to be right. The whole time it was right there in front of me, and The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, gave me permission to explore.
Not only did it give me permission, this book showed me how. It showed me how to let my heart speak, to let my inner child have a seat at the table. I learned how to stop shushing that little voice that was just dying to be seen and heard. I am still terrified. Hello anxiety!
Art is not about thinking something up. It is about the opposite – getting something down.
Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way
On December 16, 2018 I made a promise to myself, a contract to go on a 12-week creative journey. The part I didn’t I realized at the time was that the journey doesn’t end after those weeks are over, after I closed the book. This uncovering thing doesn’t ever end. I am still doing this shit, and it’s fucking hard sometimes.
An Artist’s Date
I remember taking myself out on my first date. I went to a local coffee shop by myself. This was actually a big deal for me. Up until this point in my life I would never have gone somewhere by myself, and then sat alone. It wasn’t an option for me. Usually a man (yes, women too.) would feel the need to converse with (hit on) me. They never seem to understand that when I say I am by myself, that means I want to keep it that way. A girl walking into an eating or drinking establishment does not equal “come hit on me.” I digress. I do that a lot. Welcome to AHDH brain.
I went armed with a book to read and my camera in tow, a terribly old Canon that somehow still manages to take better pictures than my phone. I sat at a counter that faced the wall, a giant chalkboard menu. This is something I know well. My handwriting is it’s own damn font. I looked down at the art the barista made and smiled joyfully, knowing that after a few sips the image would fade and that moment would be over.
A girl I knew was there with one of her friends discussing a new project they were working on. We spoke for a few minutes, acknowledging each other, catching up. Then we just allowed each other to be there on our own accords. I was truly happy just being in that moment.
Jenna’s Journals
I still have all my notes from when I went through the whole process originally. I do keep all my notes about things, mainly because I write poetry in the margins. I don’t want to lose those thoughts, nor do I want to forget where they came from.
People don’t understand me. I get that. Shit I don’t understand me half the time. They don’t understand what I am trying to do here. I have a difficult time speaking up for myself. It got trained out of me, probably because of that whole “being a woman” thing. This is where I speak. This is where I lay my heart on the table.
I honestly have no idea what I am doing. I am creating my own life, the one that I choose to live. That was my word of the year. Eminem said, “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.” This is me giving it my all.
I open myself to the spirit That flows through me. I surrender to you my old ways And welcome your influence. I trust that you will lead me Into my creative space. I trust that there is a greater plan And I will be open to it. I accept you as my guide And as my loving teacher. I know that I will be safe Under your watchful eye. Help me to create So that I can share it with the world.
This is my creativity prayer.
Mad love, Jenna
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